Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Patience and waiting

I am slowly learning about waiting.  I had a large dose of waiting handed to me today when I told my sweet husband, "I love you, don't forget ok?"  It is a silly worry of mine that I have had since our wedding day that if he doesn't hear those three words from me directly that he might forget.  He is leaving, actually he already left, on a month long training in the middle of the desert.  I won't be able to tell him I love him for a long time.  I think he understands this worry because although we have never discussed this fear of mine he always knows the perfect way of reassuring me that he will never forget that I love him.
I was doing really good the past week, trying to stay in the moment, enjoying our time together, only having like three melt downs (which I am really proud about) but then as we were sitting in the car together this morning it all hit me.  It was like all the times I had choked back my tears, took a deep breath and smiled my way through, were now catching up to me.  "Can I have one last kiss?"  Those were the words he said to me and the flood gate opened.  "last kiss?"  What if I wanted like three more last kisses?  I realized then that this was bye,  that I didn't get to turn the car around and drive home with him, that it wasn't just some mean trick that the military was playing on us, and that he was in fact leaving me to do his duty.  Tears just fell, I wasn't crying, I had just finally allowed myself to release the tears that had been building for so long.   I watched him, in the rear view mirror,  pick up his gear and walk away. 
Then I realized, as I drove away, that I am waiting. I am not being patient.  I am just waiting.  Patience implies that there is something great on the horizon, that you aren't happy with where you are, but that it will get better you just have to be patient.  I am not patient,  I am not using patience during this. I am learning how to wait.  Michael is my something great on the horizon and it is hard without him but but I am still happy.  I am happy with the person I am, with the marriage I have and because of that I do not need to be patient.  Michael is everything to me and he can make me happier than anything else but the great thing about waiting is that I don't have to look to the horizon to find happiness.   I can wait for him for as long as he needs me to, because I am happy, at this very moment in time I am happy!  It is this feeling of peace and empowerment that will help me survive the coming month.  It will be so wonderful to have him back home safe but until then I will just wait.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Busy Life of Mine

I have been so bad about posting on this blog lately!  My life has been busy, crazy and exciting.  I started school again over the summer.  I took a political science course, and public speaking.  They were both easy classes but due to the short time frame for summer classes the course was very dense.  I am in school again after a few weeks of break.  I am majoring in biology and will transfer to CSU San Marcos or CSU San Diego in fall 2013.  As far as the rest of our summer it has been filled with trips to the farmers market every Thursday, beach trips on Saturdays and lots of random unit functions for Michael's work.  Michael and I have been learning to surf and we both really enjoy it.  Michael is much better than I am at picking up the whole surfing thing.  I think that due to the large amounts of upper body strength required to combat the waves here, I am at a bit of a disadvantage.  This Saturday we are going to try out paddle boarding.  It looks much more mellow and I am really excited about it!  The next month is going to busy and very sad because Michael is leaving for a month.  A month is not a very long time at all but I am obviously heart broken to have the love of my life leave for any amount of time.  He leaves on Wednesday, and I am going to miss him like crazy.

The light at the end of the tunnel is that I am coming to Utah because my best friend Andrea is getting married to her sweetheart the second week in September.  I am excited to see family and friends while I am out there.  I am extra excited to come because I get to see my best friend of all time Ms. Elizabeth Pack.  She is my favorite girl in the whole world, and she has been my best friend since high school.  Being able to see her after almost two years is going to be so great!  I also get to attend a baby shower for my favorite sister, Anne.  She is having a cute baby boy in November/December.  It is being thrown by my other favorite sister Emily.  I am lucky to have such a stellar family.
After I get home my mom and Anne are coming to visit.  We are going to have a great time shopping and going to the beach and who knows, if I am secretly gifted at paddle boarding we can try that too.  Are pregnant women allowed to swim...?  Hopefully!
Although it will be hard to have my cute, amazing husband gone it will go by fast because I have an amazing family and amazing friends!