Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Patience and waiting

I am slowly learning about waiting.  I had a large dose of waiting handed to me today when I told my sweet husband, "I love you, don't forget ok?"  It is a silly worry of mine that I have had since our wedding day that if he doesn't hear those three words from me directly that he might forget.  He is leaving, actually he already left, on a month long training in the middle of the desert.  I won't be able to tell him I love him for a long time.  I think he understands this worry because although we have never discussed this fear of mine he always knows the perfect way of reassuring me that he will never forget that I love him.
I was doing really good the past week, trying to stay in the moment, enjoying our time together, only having like three melt downs (which I am really proud about) but then as we were sitting in the car together this morning it all hit me.  It was like all the times I had choked back my tears, took a deep breath and smiled my way through, were now catching up to me.  "Can I have one last kiss?"  Those were the words he said to me and the flood gate opened.  "last kiss?"  What if I wanted like three more last kisses?  I realized then that this was bye,  that I didn't get to turn the car around and drive home with him, that it wasn't just some mean trick that the military was playing on us, and that he was in fact leaving me to do his duty.  Tears just fell, I wasn't crying, I had just finally allowed myself to release the tears that had been building for so long.   I watched him, in the rear view mirror,  pick up his gear and walk away. 
Then I realized, as I drove away, that I am waiting. I am not being patient.  I am just waiting.  Patience implies that there is something great on the horizon, that you aren't happy with where you are, but that it will get better you just have to be patient.  I am not patient,  I am not using patience during this. I am learning how to wait.  Michael is my something great on the horizon and it is hard without him but but I am still happy.  I am happy with the person I am, with the marriage I have and because of that I do not need to be patient.  Michael is everything to me and he can make me happier than anything else but the great thing about waiting is that I don't have to look to the horizon to find happiness.   I can wait for him for as long as he needs me to, because I am happy, at this very moment in time I am happy!  It is this feeling of peace and empowerment that will help me survive the coming month.  It will be so wonderful to have him back home safe but until then I will just wait.

1 comment:

  1. This made me cry and smile all in the same post. It's not going to be fun waiting for him, but you are strong and you'll be able to do it. The month will go by fast. Just you wait and see. I love you!